Kathleen Heck’s Book Blog

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

‘I don’t want to know,’ the child said, bursting into tears.   ‘Promise me you won’t tell me .’   

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, ‘When I was six, I got the ‘ There’s no Easter Bunny’ speech.  At seven, I got the ‘There’s no Tooth Fairy’ speech.  When I was eight, you hit me with the ‘There’s no Santa’  speech.  If you’re going to tell me that grown-ups don’t really get laid, I’ll have nothing left to live for.’

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After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here’s the final word on nutrition and health:  

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.  

2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.  

3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.  

4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.  

5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.  

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink whatever you like.  Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

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Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known.  Enjoy the following:

1.  Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.

2.  Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3.  There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman…neither works.

4.  Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5.  Always drink upstream from the herd.

6.  If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7.  The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.

8.  There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading.  The few who learn by observation.  The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9.  Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10.  If you’re riding’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.

11.  Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier’n puttin’ it back.

12.  After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.  He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.  The moral:
When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers.  Not me, I want people to know “why” I look this way.  I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don’t know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.  Today it’s called golf.

And finally ~ If you don’t learn to laugh at trouble, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you are old.

Earl and Buddy  are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing and drinking beer, when suddenly Buddy says,  ‘I think I’m gonna divorce my wife.  She ain’t spoke to me in over 2 months.’

Earl spits, sips his beer and says, ‘Better think it over - women like that are hard to find.’

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“WINTER”  a poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre…

SH**,  It’s Cold !

The End
 

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

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Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she’ll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she’ll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she’ll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she’ll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of sh**.

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A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says “Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.” The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing “That’s horrible!!!  So many men dying that way!”

Confused, he says, “Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved.”

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, “How many is a Brazilian?”

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An elderly couple were 85 and 86 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.  Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife’s insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn’t help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.  They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.  A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, ‘Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.’

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

‘Why, nothing,’ Peter replied, ‘remember, this is your reward in Heaven.’

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.  ‘What are the greens fees?’ grumbled the old man.

‘This is heaven,’ St. Peter replied. ‘You can play for free, every day.’

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

‘Don’t even ask,’ said St. Peter to the man. ‘This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.’

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

‘Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?’ he asked.

‘That’s the best part,’ St. Peter replied. ‘You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!’

The old man pushed, ‘No gym to work out at?’

‘Not unless you want to,’ was the answer.

‘No testing my sugar or blood pressure or …’

‘Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.’

The old man glared at his wife and said, ‘You and your damn bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!’

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Jim forgot to get a Christmas gift for his wife and waited until after Christmas to buy something.  He went to a store and asked the harried salesperson, busy with returns, for help.

“How about some perfume?” he asked the cosmetics clerk.

She showed him a bottle costing $100.

“That’s too much,” said Jim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $50.

“That’s still a lot,” Jim groused.

Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $25 bottle.

Jim grew agitated, “What I mean,” he said, “is I’d like to see something real cheap.”

So the clerk handed him a mirror.

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Sales of sex toys, pregnancy tests, maternity clothes, and baby equipment have soared in the past ninety days.  Place your money wisely now.  Invest in baby clothes corporations and legalized prostitution businesses.  Or, buy some sex toys and just make the most of it. 

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